Sunday, November 28, 2010

Illusion of Gaia (Part 3)

Where were we, where were we? I was trying to wait a couple days in between posts so I didn't seem too eager and then I forgot and left it. U.U Sorry folks, but at least it wasn't five months or something. We left off with DINGB, fuck! I will get it down, Will leaving South Beach (or something named like it) and heading to a hidden village with the annoying princess girl and the equally annoying flower girl.

 And in the art of not trying to be like Zelda, we have flutes and a Sahasrahla lookalike.

Leading me to the village, aka, an empty feckin' mountain top, annoying flower girl yells to me to play my flute. Yes, my flute playing is the key into the village. Well, she'd be fucked if I wasn't there. >: | But okay, I played, and the village appeared with some cool effects for the SNES. Exploring, I found my grandparents. They were happy I wasn't dead but apparently content to just live on anyway. I explored a bit, found a new portal where I learned the skill Psycho Dash. That name sounds much cooler than it is. All you do to execute the Psycho Dash is hold down your attack button until you glow green and then you release it. And you just body slam stuff. It sounds much cooler than it is, but sadly, it's just a tap. But it blows up walls.

Exploring further, I ran down one cliff slop only to hit a jump and kareeeeem to the other cliff. Now, as cool as this was, and it was pretty flippin' cool, I must say, what is the point? Are bridges outlawed in our mountain top village? Seems like a danger. On the other side I found a ghost in the graveyard that suspiciously looks like the elder from Zelda 3. *narrows eyes* I'm on to you Quintet. Anyway, he told me that I really looked like my dad and blah blah blah some shit about statues. Taking the ladder away from Pedobe- I mean, ghosty man, I found a cave. Remembering back to the advice Gaia gave me about the Psycho Dash, I body slammed against every wall until I blew one up. And for my troubles, I found! Incan Statue A. What? Really? Not Incan Statue of the West? Or Incan Super Statue? Something? Please write something!

Please tell me those aren't what I think...

Telling annoying flower girl of what I found, she suggested we go to the Moon Tribe Camp. Okaaaaaaaaaay, sure. We head there quickly, and the first thing I saw was... sheet heads. Floating scream masks. You get the picture. But talking to them, they all say the same thing at least once, "Ku ku ku ....." Okay, what the fuck. Go back to ripping off Zelda, please. Ripping off the Ku Klux Klan isn't too bright. But since you're Japanese I can give it a pass... Nintendo of America published the US version? Oh fuck, you get no pass good sirs. Anyway, I had to fight and defeat a certain amount of enemies in a set amount of time to recieve... Incan Statue B. *sighs* Since part of the world is based on real history, you'd think they wouldn't strive so hard to pull that stuff out of their asses.

Yeah, guys, you're doo-doo faces. Going to save the world without me!

So anyway, after grabbing both statues, I'm told to put them where no wind can get them and shoved inside the latest dungeon. My first clue: "There was a tremendous wind at the Larai Cliff." Good to know. A foreword, I mostly liked this dungeon. I liked how it popped in and out of the mountain and the map design in general. I also liked the length. The first dungeon was short and nice, and this one is probably two-thirds to twice as long.

Mudmen and... Dart shooting faces... What?

If the first dungeon's monster's fit, then the second monster's are just plain feckin' weird. I'm starting to see a trend of WTF monsters. The mudmen are fine, I can understand what they are. But there are statues that just... rotate and then blow darts at you. They don't move, they just... blow.

And on that note, I'll leave it there for now. Another quick plug, if I may:

Look at that logo... Don't you just wanna have sex with it?

I started the Irish Mob almost two years ago, and shut it down a year after it was created. But I decided to reopen a forum for kicks and giggles. I love most of the people on it now, and would love more people to come and have a good time with us. We accept everyone and we talk about everything while simultaneously talking about nothing. ;D So just click the logo, or click here, and visit us!

And remember, I don't have an attitude problem, you just have a perception problem. :D

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Illusion of Gaia (Part 2)

Well, I promised semi-regular posting, and here we go. After playing IoG on and off for a bit, I'm ready to update more. Let's get to the screens!

Using your fairy-wand-thing to pull an orb to you, and a pig with a key on it's collar. Brilliant.

We left off with DINGB- sorry, Will being thrown in the dungeon. I can't say I blame the king, if some punk little shit didn't have what I wanted, I'd throw him in the dungeon to rot for the rest of his blonde-haired little life. I sat down there for practically forever until my dad contacts me. Yes, the dead one. My dead dad contacts me and DINGB- sorry again, Will takes it like a champ. This is where we find out it's not actually a gay little purple wand, but a gay little purple ocarina. Flute, damnit, sorry! Anyway, Hamlet waddles along towards the cell eventually, with a key on his neck from that crushing princess. Escaping from the cell, I again found one of those black portals that leads you to Gaia. Pity they couldn't have put me in that cell. Smart guards, I suppose.

Advice: All women serve to bring you sandwiches. For truth.

Anyway, after saving at the Gaia point, I continued through the dungeons. Remember, they're a maze. They're a maze without any dead ends, so, basically, a linear path from cell to exit. But have no fear! Here's the first real combat of the game. There are three basic types of enemies in the dungeon area, and they are: a bat (standard), a skeleton (standard), and a snake-eye-laser-shooting-thing (WHAT THE FUCK?!) Yup. They pop out of the water when you get too near, spin their head around, and then shoot a laser beam out you. It's fairly easy to dodge, but if you've got a couple of bats or skeletons around, it's a bitch. But the first real dungeon introduced something called orbs. When you defeat all the enemies in a room or area, you'll get an orb which increases Attack, Defense or Health. I like this. It gives me a reason to clear out an area instead of trying to painfully dodge enemies like in most ARPGs. Sometimes enemies drop other orbs that clear new pathways forward or easier ways to backtrack.

Look at that skellie. He just can't wait to get his hands on my smooth child body.

Eventually I got to another dark portal. But there's something new in the room... a statue of a long-haired guy with a sword and a cape. A magician perhaps? Touching the portal transformed me into said long-haired man with sword and cape, named Dark Friedan. There's something to be said about a creepy statue that turns you into an older man. Magicians are creepy anyway, but this is a new level.

The transformations between forms.

Anyway, the main reason for switching to Friedan is because he's strong as all hell and doesn't have a faggy flute. His sword doubles your damage and he takes less damage. So then the question becomes why don't you stay as Friedan forever? I mean, a guy that can tank like that can surely learn to blow on a faggy flute and carry it with him everywhere. I really am anxious to see the reason why you would ever go back to Will.

Okay, maybe not that annoying...
Exiting the dungeon, I immediately stepped forward... And kneeled to  allow my awesome magician powers to float away. Fuck! Apparently the reason is because the magic gets weaker the farther you are from the portal. That sucks. It makes sense but it sucks nonetheless. After I exited, a few minor things happened. A flower came down and transformed into another annoying little girl, I stole the princess from the castle as well as a piece of meat (worth more than the princess if you ask me) and I went back home only to find it ransacked. Little flower girl suggested I travel to her village ASAP, as I was needed. Yes, she does have a name, but she's annoying as fuck all and deserves no credit for anything she does in the story. (See: image to the right.) Traveling to said village, I found my grandparents chillin' nonchalantly, despite me missing and their house getting messed up and all.

These awesome things and more! Hopefully once later and never again!

Next time on Wintendo! Life, love, and the pursuit of... Incan statues A and B. Okay. I can work with that! But first, a shout-out. My good friend and my girlfriend's sister has started her own real life interpretation of Fahrenheit 451 on her blog, Disgraces to the Arts. She originally started ripping on Twilight, but decided to reboot and rip on not just literature but films as well. I'm excited to see what she rips into next (likely Pearl Harbor) and you should be too! So go check out her blog, found here on Blogspot.

No, she's not a Nazi. At least not yet. *Keeps his eyes on her*

Thanks everyone! And remember, we'll try being nicer if you try being smarter. :D

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Illusion of Gaia (part 1)

Illusion of Gaia is an action-RPG from developers Quintet and publishers Enix, and set in the same vein as the Legend of Zelda or Secret of Mana. Which means it rips. Totally.

Yeah baby. RPG'in.

I must admit, I've played this game before. I stayed over at my aunt's one weekend and she rented it for me, and I played and she guided, or rather, backseat drove. ("Kill this, kill that, oh that switch, oh no, over there, oh, oh, oh!") But I remember this as being a rather enjoyable experience, up until the first dungeon's boss, where I died repeatedly and gave up, throwing my controller in anguish. I do that a lot, if you must know. I said it in my Megaman X LP and it's no less true today. If you must know, I threw it seven or eight times while playing 7th Saga. (But that's another talk for another day.)

On to the topic at hand, though! In IoG you play Will, a little punk with a purple wand. (I know, I wish he could have been DINGBANG, destroyer of worlds and hoarder of bathroom toiletries, as well. Plus that wand is so gay.) You start out in your little school, in your little town, listening to someone drone on and on and on. Finally when you move, you can explore the town, never being really told where to go. My first instinct is to climb as high as possible, and climbing to the top of the school, I found a portal. On top of our school. A dark portal, where a giant head talks to you. There must be a rule against recruiting to save the world this early in life. But another great thing, you can jump off of buildings. No, no, you're a little kid, but the adult tells you alright and basically shoves you off.

After exploring South Cape enough for one day, I headed to the abandoned mine where all my friends were hanging. Cuz it's the cool place to be. Your friends jabber on and on until they force you to show them your "powers" again. I know, I thought this was going to a weird place as well. But all it pertains is pushing a button to make you swing your wand and pull a statue in the corner to you. Well, at least you don't have to push it. That's right, fuck you Link. ( :D ) And then one of your friends places four cards on the ground and tells you to pick the one that's an Ace. And if you guess wrong, you die right there, game over. Naaaaw, every one is an Ace. Clever clever. After that, your friends give up and go home, muttering about how shite your powers are and that their parents took away their cell phones.

 I'm pretty sure that's a code violation or something.

As I leave the mine, night has fallen over the town. Heading back to my house and entering, what's the first thing I see? A pink piggy. D'aaaaaw, heshokyoot heshokyoot. I love pigs, by the way. They're awesome creatures. I especially love the sounds they make, how they oink oink, and how intelligent they are. But I digress. Back to the pig at hand. Trying to figure out where the pig came from, I decided to hit the stairs. But Mr. Pig here waddles over and knocks me out of the way. Then I see her... She's so... Okay, she's like a little kid. But you can already sense Will getting a prepubescent chubby. After she comes down and spuots some shit at me, I try to get out of her sight. Heading upstairs, I talk to my grandparents. Hearing a scream and rushing downstairs, low and behold, what do I find? She's the princess of the universe and some soldats have come to take her back. We tell them godspeed in getting that demon away, all before sitting down for some OM NOM snail pie.

D'aaaaaaw, what a horrible, horrible pun for such a cute, cute pig.

Waking up that morning after GETTING NEARLY NONE OF THE FUCKIN' PIE (Gramps!) my grandparents tell me that I got a message from the king telling me to go to his castle and give him an engagement ring, er, a crystal ring. Sorry, minor mistake. Illusion of Gaia is another of the SNES games to use Mode 7 graphics, and I've happened to make another GIF for you. They only happen on the map when you travel between two locations. Usually it would be cool, but with all the stretching of the text, it seems like little thought was put into it. I'm sure placing the text over the map would yield the same results without all the distortion.

 Heading to Edward's Castle, I explored a little bit, eventually stumbling upon the Princess's, Kara's, room. After listening to her blab about us being connected, I take off to talk to her father about the pros of eight year-old abortion. And to give him a ring. Running to the other side of the castle I didn't explore, I climb the royal steps and see... A tuna with a crown. And his wife. Talking to her first yields nothing but a complete amount of bitchiness. Going to the other side, the King royally tells me how shabby I look, and then asks him to give up something I potentially might have. What? Why would I give you something of mine when you just told me I look like Justin Beiber. (That's what shabby means, right?) He gives the royal decree to throw me in prison, and asking the Queen for any help yields fuck all.

And that's where we'll leave off for today, folks. Next time, on Gaia-piece Theatre, we brave the dungeons below Edward's Castle. Interesting tidbit, Will's grandpa designed and built them. Yeah, fun stuff. First the snail pie, now a prison maze full of doom. What a jerk.

 You'll taste worse things in prison. Promise.

That's all for now, readers, and remember, the fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist. Good night!

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Let's Play, Pants are Good, and what's to come for Wintendo.

Hey there everyone. I'm still chugging away at games. I'm pretty shit at posting, but, well, if you know me then you already know that. I'm getting ready to do a Let's Play of Super Alfred Chicken, and to help me get into that, I did a test LP on Megaman X's first level. Watch it here:

And please let me know what you think, either by commenting here or on the video. Feedback is much appreciated.Also, another thing I've been doing in the time between this one and the last post is my digital web comic. I created Pants are Good  in early October and haven't looked back. Here's the discription for PaG:
Pants are Good. Period. Full on spontaneity ensues. Humour can be tasteless sometimes. We don't apologize.
No. I don't. I never apologize. Have I ever apologized to you guys? What? Seriously? Oh, okay. I'm sorry I offended you. You can find PaG here and here, and can follow it on whichever site you want. :D Moving on!

Yes. Yes they are.

So what's to come of Wintendo, you ask? You didn't? Oh... Well, I'm going to tell you anyway! I'm going to play more SNES games, and review more SNES games. I'm going to stop promising and start trying to post more. Usually when I'm not posting, I'm not really that busy, I'm more of just cruising the internet for any old thing. D: So I've no real excuse. I'm also going to make a new template for the site, and it will probably be similar to my girlfriend Rho's blog, For Pew, Pews and Fail, which you can find by clicking that link. We're sister blogs, honest. So there you have it, this is what I'm planning and I hope some of you out there still listen to me. And if not, then, well. I don't blame you. :P

And remember, Mr. Pedo Bear if you're nasty.