3 Ninjas Kick Back! (part 1)

3 Ninjas Kick Back is an action beat 'em up game developed by Malibu Interactive, published by Sony Imagesoft, and is based on the movie of the same name. When I say is based on, I, of course, mean has almost nothing to do with except for character names and (loose) looks.

The basic gist of the story is that you follow the three brothers, Rocky, Colt, and... uh... Jelly-bean, or rather, Tum-tum, on a quest to nab a prized dagger that has been stolen. Wackiness is sure to ensue as three kids not even old enough to drive make the trip all the way to Japan on their own.

There, now that's out of the way, let's get on to the game.

Oh my goooooooooooooood-

I jumped in quickly. I picked the smallest, because I really fuckin' love jelly beans. And with a face like that, how could you not? After selecting your prepubescent ninja, you're greeted to a shout of 'MURDERIZE 'EM!' and quite possibly the greatest music known to the Super Nintendo. We here at Wintendo will have a hard time getting the zoning riff out of our heads.

Okay, first step in the game. You start on a narrow platform. I took the liberty of jumping off and starting to run and -- oh what the fuck!? A boulder instantly rolls behind you and if it hits you there goes seventy-five percent of your life. Yeah. How about them apples? The ground shortly after your measly starting point has three hanging rocks that knock a notch off your life when they hit. So, to me, it was a no brainer. I ran like shit not caring about the hanging rocks until I came to an area with a swinging vine, where, presumably, I could escape the giant rock following me. No problem. I jumped and mashed buttons to grab and...didn't get anything. I fell onto the spikes below the vine. To add insult to injury, 3NKB doesn't have what I like to refer to as injury time. There's no flash of invincibility to protect you for the moment. So I hit the spikes, and then got rolled by the giant fucking boulder. Awesome.

Toodly fuckin' do.

It is quite sad. My first game in to the epic journey, and I couldn't get past the first obstacle, let alone the first level. I continued three times and finally had to turn to a strategy guide. I headed on over to (for copyright's sake) GameFAG's and, low and behold, found one guide. Up! Up was the magic button. I eagerly dashed back into the game only to find that... uh, wow, you didn't grab onto the vine itself. You grabbed onto the tree branch. No worries. Making my way to the other end of the branch I was able to... not jump off but fall back onto the spikes. And die. Again.

Until, by a stroke of luck, I was able to spring myself upward into the air. Ho ho! You fooled me once, shame on me! It seems by holding up and the jump, you spring yourself upward into the air. That's how you glide yourself down onto the platform. My excitement was shut down almost instantaneously as a ninja flashed in (presumably Grampa) and punched me in the face. Yes, my Grampa punched me in the face and left me to die. Thanks.

Damn right you are. Punching a little kid in the face.

After a few choice obstacles, I had done it! I got to the second level! I was ready for anything, for the greatest challenges only a level two could bring -- oh wait I'm on level three already. Yeah, see, level two is just a big drop. Yeah, you hold down and the attack button on the downslope and you kill and collect everything in your path as you slide right into third. How's that for up and down difficulty?!

Stay tuned! Next week's post will contain an AWESOME cut scene.