Wednesday, May 05, 2010

3 Ninjas Kick Back: The Finale!


You got it, son! Taken down, 'Koga.' If that is even your real name. You got pwnt by an eight year old with a bad vocabulary and a tummy ache.

After the Japanese Gardens, you invade 'Koga's' estate. See, I only know his name is 'Koga' because of one sentence near the end of the game. So we hang glide into his castle to get the dagger, but, surprise! No dagger fo yu! You get all the way through just to find out that. Yep. A few handfuls of hair and an hour or so of my time wasted.

As you can see, the story telling cut scenes are breathtaking! They really get across the character's wants and feelings and needs and oh fuck it. Painfully boring story telling, even for the Super Nintendo. After searching his castle for the dagger and coming up empty, you're transported to the gold room. I dunno how, but that's it. Yeah. Fun. He also shoots your Grampa.

'Koga' is kinda like the level with Big Bertha, except in a tight little Asian package. He has this annoying habit of goading you into jumping over him and then smacking you in the ass with his staff. Even if you run at him and goad him into a front attack right as you jump, he quickly twirls and, again, smacks you in the fucking ass. His next trick is to jump in the air. Yup. That's about it. He doesn't ever attack. He just jumps. Straight up. Well then. His third attack is another annoying always-hit-you move. He spins on the ground, and it's just enough to hit you every time you try to avoid it. After that, it's easy street. He simply throws his staff while you're at range, giving you the opportunity to hop it and smack him in the balls (seriously, my sai - his balls) repeatedly. He takes just as many shots as BB, and it took just as many lives. But after a good session of kicking his balls, he finally fell.

What? No pants down? After this, you basically 'escape' by playing through a level similar to one of the first ones (one that I specifically didn't talk about because of its shitty idea of pure memory runs) in which a boulder chases you. Remember some of the Ninja Gaidans? Yeah, well, take that, and then don't throw in any skill, any patterns, any fuckin' fairness whatsoever. Oh, and a gigantic boulder is following you, and then there's three coming at you, and then finally finish. Thank God it was short, else I would be applying for a gun permit right about now. At the end, I was treated to some more thrilling cutscenes:

Which begs the question why in the fuck did I play this game? Oh yeah, the list..

Final Analysis

This game sucks. Its only redeeming value is that it...well, it doesn't have one. Its graphics are unappealing, the music is the same dreaded MIDI loops over and over and over and over until you stab your eyes to try and distract yourself from the pain in your ears, and the game is just a whole memory run. Remember what attacks here, jump over there, grab your ankles now, etc. There's no re-playability, no reason to even attempt to beat it. Even liking the 3 Ninjas, I hated this game.

To me, it was a definite 2 Kid-punching Ninjas out of 10.


nighthawk said...

Not quite what I expected from, "The wings of eagles"

Good luck getting through those games, you'll need it.

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