3 Ninjas Kick Back: The Finale!

Oshi--

You got it, son! Taken down, 'Koga.' If that is even your real name. You got pwnt by an eight year old with a bad vocabulary and a tummy ache.

After the Japanese Gardens, you invade 'Koga's' estate. See, I only know his name is 'Koga' because of one sentence near the end of the game. So we hang glide into his castle to get the dagger, but, surprise! No dagger fo yu! You get all the way through just to find out that. Yep. A few handfuls of hair and an hour or so of my time wasted.

As you can see, the story telling cut scenes are breathtaking! They really get across the character's wants and feelings and needs and oh fuck it. Painfully boring story telling, even for the Super Nintendo. After searching his castle for the dagger and coming up empty, you're transported to the gold room. I dunno how, but that's it. Yeah. Fun. He also shoots your Grampa.

'Koga' is kinda like the level with Big Bertha, except in a tight little Asian package. He has this annoying habit of goading you into jumping over him and then smacking you in the ass with his staff. Even if you run at him and goad him into a front attack right as you jump, he quickly twirls and, again, smacks you in the fucking ass. His next trick is to jump in the air. Yup. That's about it. He doesn't ever attack. He just jumps. Straight up. Well then. His third attack is another annoying always-hit-you move. He spins on the ground, and it's just enough to hit you every time you try to avoid it. After that, it's easy street. He simply throws his staff while you're at range, giving you the opportunity to hop it and smack him in the balls (seriously, my sai - his balls) repeatedly. He takes just as many shots as BB, and it took just as many lives. But after a good session of kicking his balls, he finally fell.

What? No pants down? After this, you basically 'escape' by playing through a level similar to one of the first ones (one that I specifically didn't talk about because of its shitty idea of pure memory runs) in which a boulder chases you. Remember some of the Ninja Gaidans? Yeah, well, take that, and then don't throw in any skill, any patterns, any fuckin' fairness whatsoever. Oh, and a gigantic boulder is following you, and then there's three coming at you, and then finally finish. Thank God it was short, else I would be applying for a gun permit right about now. At the end, I was treated to some more thrilling cutscenes:

Which begs the question why in the fuck did I play this game? Oh yeah, the list..

Final Analysis

This game sucks. Its only redeeming value is that it...well, it doesn't have one. Its graphics are unappealing, the music is the same dreaded MIDI loops over and over and over and over until you stab your eyes to try and distract yourself from the pain in your ears, and the game is just a whole memory run. Remember what attacks here, jump over there, grab your ankles now, etc. There's no re-playability, no reason to even attempt to beat it. Even liking the 3 Ninjas, I hated this game.

To me, it was a definite 2 Kid-punching Ninjas out of 10.

3 Ninjas Kick Back! (part 2)

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

I know, I know, next week's post in less than a day, who am I!? GOD!? Nope. Just Dingbang. I've broken real ground with 3NKB. Last we heard, I was finally past that cursed first level, I breezed past the second, and was on the third. Well, zone, not level, technically. But who are you to question my labels?

The next few parts were relatively easy, until I ran into a large problem. But more on that later. Here's a slideshow of what you missed. (If you would prefer, play Yakety Sacks as we run these down.)

After the third "zone" of the first level, you go to the second level. You start off with this awesome set of pictures, and then you're off to get some stuff from Grampa's cabin.

At the end of the cabin you meet up with a giant dude. That's right. We're sending gigantic hunks of muscle to beat up little children. And I still whooped his ass.

After the cabin you go through a secret cave. It's chocked full of ninjas and bullshit cheap shots. Ninjas smoke in behind tree roots, (which you're behind) frequently camp and firebomb the tops of ladders and ropes, and sit on ledges waiting until the slightest pixel of you jumps from a trampoline up just to shoot you down.

After the caves, you go to Grampa's hospital. Whooooo. You have to free some people from the 'Grungers.' You know, the retards from the cabin. I even caught some sweater melons. (see above) The zone is a breeze, and the only hard part about this level is Big Bertha.

Now, I don't know her real name, but I think Big Bertha was a helluva lot nicer than 'this monster.' Pardon my French, but she was a pute. Not only does she notch two health per swing, but she has a ranged syringe attack. Plus she can take a few punches, possibly more than fifty. It became a game of jumping back and forth over and over and over and over again, constantly knocking her in the tits. This fight took more than patience from me. I took two or three breaks, had to go over and over again. Plus, she totally pulls her pants down and assumes the position. I think.

After Bertha we traveled to some Japanese garden for God knows what reason. Oh yeah, to let some birds loose. Caged birds. You know, like some people's pets. Sure, they might have been the kid-punching-ninjas, but still, that's property man. It was in the Japanese Gardens that I learned about the almighty powers of the time limit. The time limit has the power to kill you, rob you of one life, all when the clock strikes double zero. Or not. Maybe. If it feels like it. I died once on this level because the clock hit zero, and the other time...I  completed it. Wow. Great mechanic. It begs the question, why does this game even need a clock mechanic? Maybe to increase the speed and up the difficulty? Thank God Megaman didn't have a time limit, else I'd be fucked. Mario's time limit was wholly doable, but 3NKB's time limit is cold and unforgiving, especially on the longer levels. Or not. Maybe. If it feels like it.

Next time I will finish up this game and give my final thoughts! Dingbang out!

3 Ninjas Kick Back! (part 1)

3 Ninjas Kick Back is an action beat 'em up game developed by Malibu Interactive, published by Sony Imagesoft, and is based on the movie of the same name. When I say is based on, I, of course, mean has almost nothing to do with except for character names and (loose) looks.

The basic gist of the story is that you follow the three brothers, Rocky, Colt, and... uh... Jelly-bean, or rather, Tum-tum, on a quest to nab a prized dagger that has been stolen. Wackiness is sure to ensue as three kids not even old enough to drive make the trip all the way to Japan on their own.

There, now that's out of the way, let's get on to the game.

Oh my goooooooooooooood-

I jumped in quickly. I picked the smallest, because I really fuckin' love jelly beans. And with a face like that, how could you not? After selecting your prepubescent ninja, you're greeted to a shout of 'MURDERIZE 'EM!' and quite possibly the greatest music known to the Super Nintendo. We here at Wintendo will have a hard time getting the zoning riff out of our heads.

Okay, first step in the game. You start on a narrow platform. I took the liberty of jumping off and starting to run and -- oh what the fuck!? A boulder instantly rolls behind you and if it hits you there goes seventy-five percent of your life. Yeah. How about them apples? The ground shortly after your measly starting point has three hanging rocks that knock a notch off your life when they hit. So, to me, it was a no brainer. I ran like shit not caring about the hanging rocks until I came to an area with a swinging vine, where, presumably, I could escape the giant rock following me. No problem. I jumped and mashed buttons to grab and...didn't get anything. I fell onto the spikes below the vine. To add insult to injury, 3NKB doesn't have what I like to refer to as injury time. There's no flash of invincibility to protect you for the moment. So I hit the spikes, and then got rolled by the giant fucking boulder. Awesome.

Toodly fuckin' do.

It is quite sad. My first game in to the epic journey, and I couldn't get past the first obstacle, let alone the first level. I continued three times and finally had to turn to a strategy guide. I headed on over to (for copyright's sake) GameFAG's and, low and behold, found one guide. Up! Up was the magic button. I eagerly dashed back into the game only to find that... uh, wow, you didn't grab onto the vine itself. You grabbed onto the tree branch. No worries. Making my way to the other end of the branch I was able to... not jump off but fall back onto the spikes. And die. Again.

Until, by a stroke of luck, I was able to spring myself upward into the air. Ho ho! You fooled me once, shame on me! It seems by holding up and the jump, you spring yourself upward into the air. That's how you glide yourself down onto the platform. My excitement was shut down almost instantaneously as a ninja flashed in (presumably Grampa) and punched me in the face. Yes, my Grampa punched me in the face and left me to die. Thanks.

Damn right you are. Punching a little kid in the face.

After a few choice obstacles, I had done it! I got to the second level! I was ready for anything, for the greatest challenges only a level two could bring -- oh wait I'm on level three already. Yeah, see, level two is just a big drop. Yeah, you hold down and the attack button on the downslope and you kill and collect everything in your path as you slide right into third. How's that for up and down difficulty?!

Stay tuned! Next week's post will contain an AWESOME cut scene.