Illusion of Gaia (part 1)

Illusion of Gaia is an action-RPG from developers Quintet and publishers Enix, and set in the same vein as the Legend of Zelda or Secret of Mana. Which means it rips. Totally.

Yeah baby. RPG'in.

I must admit, I've played this game before. I stayed over at my aunt's one weekend and she rented it for me, and I played and she guided, or rather, backseat drove. ("Kill this, kill that, oh that switch, oh no, over there, oh, oh, oh!") But I remember this as being a rather enjoyable experience, up until the first dungeon's boss, where I died repeatedly and gave up, throwing my controller in anguish. I do that a lot, if you must know. I said it in my Megaman X LP and it's no less true today. If you must know, I threw it seven or eight times while playing 7th Saga. (But that's another talk for another day.)

On to the topic at hand, though! In IoG you play Will, a little punk with a purple wand. (I know, I wish he could have been DINGBANG, destroyer of worlds and hoarder of bathroom toiletries, as well. Plus that wand is so gay.) You start out in your little school, in your little town, listening to someone drone on and on and on. Finally when you move, you can explore the town, never being really told where to go. My first instinct is to climb as high as possible, and climbing to the top of the school, I found a portal. On top of our school. A dark portal, where a giant head talks to you. There must be a rule against recruiting to save the world this early in life. But another great thing, you can jump off of buildings. No, no, you're a little kid, but the adult tells you alright and basically shoves you off.

After exploring South Cape enough for one day, I headed to the abandoned mine where all my friends were hanging. Cuz it's the cool place to be. Your friends jabber on and on until they force you to show them your "powers" again. I know, I thought this was going to a weird place as well. But all it pertains is pushing a button to make you swing your wand and pull a statue in the corner to you. Well, at least you don't have to push it. That's right, fuck you Link. ( :D ) And then one of your friends places four cards on the ground and tells you to pick the one that's an Ace. And if you guess wrong, you die right there, game over. Naaaaw, every one is an Ace. Clever clever. After that, your friends give up and go home, muttering about how shite your powers are and that their parents took away their cell phones.

 I'm pretty sure that's a code violation or something.

As I leave the mine, night has fallen over the town. Heading back to my house and entering, what's the first thing I see? A pink piggy. D'aaaaaw, heshokyoot heshokyoot. I love pigs, by the way. They're awesome creatures. I especially love the sounds they make, how they oink oink, and how intelligent they are. But I digress. Back to the pig at hand. Trying to figure out where the pig came from, I decided to hit the stairs. But Mr. Pig here waddles over and knocks me out of the way. Then I see her... She's so... Okay, she's like a little kid. But you can already sense Will getting a prepubescent chubby. After she comes down and spuots some shit at me, I try to get out of her sight. Heading upstairs, I talk to my grandparents. Hearing a scream and rushing downstairs, low and behold, what do I find? She's the princess of the universe and some soldats have come to take her back. We tell them godspeed in getting that demon away, all before sitting down for some OM NOM snail pie.

D'aaaaaaw, what a horrible, horrible pun for such a cute, cute pig.

Waking up that morning after GETTING NEARLY NONE OF THE FUCKIN' PIE (Gramps!) my grandparents tell me that I got a message from the king telling me to go to his castle and give him an engagement ring, er, a crystal ring. Sorry, minor mistake. Illusion of Gaia is another of the SNES games to use Mode 7 graphics, and I've happened to make another GIF for you. They only happen on the map when you travel between two locations. Usually it would be cool, but with all the stretching of the text, it seems like little thought was put into it. I'm sure placing the text over the map would yield the same results without all the distortion.

 Heading to Edward's Castle, I explored a little bit, eventually stumbling upon the Princess's, Kara's, room. After listening to her blab about us being connected, I take off to talk to her father about the pros of eight year-old abortion. And to give him a ring. Running to the other side of the castle I didn't explore, I climb the royal steps and see... A tuna with a crown. And his wife. Talking to her first yields nothing but a complete amount of bitchiness. Going to the other side, the King royally tells me how shabby I look, and then asks him to give up something I potentially might have. What? Why would I give you something of mine when you just told me I look like Justin Beiber. (That's what shabby means, right?) He gives the royal decree to throw me in prison, and asking the Queen for any help yields fuck all.

And that's where we'll leave off for today, folks. Next time, on Gaia-piece Theatre, we brave the dungeons below Edward's Castle. Interesting tidbit, Will's grandpa designed and built them. Yeah, fun stuff. First the snail pie, now a prison maze full of doom. What a jerk.

 You'll taste worse things in prison. Promise.

That's all for now, readers, and remember, the fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist. Good night!